It’s been a while…
Since I’ve actually written a post to put here; things got crazy just after the new year, with the new job and the new house and figuring my life out.
Not much has changed. Things are still crazy, I’m still stuck in this crazy whirlwind of a life that I’m not sure I enjoy being in.
I enjoy the people in my life, for the most part. It’s just the rest of it that I’m not so sure about.
I have amazing friends, a family that does, for now, love me. But I can’t help but feel like I’m missing something. Part of it is love, I think. The other part? I still feel like I’m amounting to nothing. Like everything I’ve done so far, and everything that I’m doing is going to be for nothing and I’ll be left this shell of a person who’s worked in retail and housekeeping her whole life. That’s just not the life I’ve envisioned for myself and the more time that passes, the worse I feel about it.
My problem with love is that I see others, who are happy.. they’ve found the ones that are, for now, perfect for them and they complete each so fully. I see that and I can’t help but wish for that, too. I just want someone who will love me and whom I can speak to about anything and everything and have fun with, and be spontaneous with, and just love. I had that, once. I was young, and he was young, and it’s true, we didn’t really have a concept of just how long forever is, but we wanted to be together forever. We loved each other and were completely happy with each other. And I could have easily married him and been incredibly happy. But I lost that, and I will never have the chance to see it through.
It also doesn’t help that I’m still trying to come to terms with my sexuality. Although my parents have always said they’d be supportive no matter who I am, that they “have tons of gay friends and it doesn’t matter” and all that bullshit, they would judge me. I know it with every fiber of my being. If not my mother, my father. And what about my grandparents? Aunts, uncles, all the extended family members? I’d be judged for loving who I love. I can’t deal with that. I don’t want to deal with that. So I keep it to myself, with my very closest friends knowing that I am indeed attracted to both sexes. At least I know that they won’t turn on me. My family, I’m not so sure about… which is a terrifying thought in and of itself.
My next issue? Because there is a general lack of interest when it comes to me and a relationship, I can’t seem to get past the last person I had feelings for. I’ve tried. So many times, I’ve tried. The problem is, I know for a fact that nothing will ever come of this. No matter what I may want, it’s just not feasible. This person doesn’t live anywhere near me, not that that is any huge indication of compatibility- long distance relationships are more and more common than ever, with the use and evolution of social media and the internet… No, the main issue here is not the distance… The main issue, the base of all of my problems, is that this person just doesn’t feel for me the way I do for them. I read something once that said “The hardest love to get over is the one that you never had, but who once made you happy.” They were spot on with that.. It doesn’t help that it has been kind of off and on since I first admitted my feelings to this person more than a year ago.. Sometimes they make it seem as if there could possibly be more to their feelings, and that hope gets planted in my head. But then I won’t hear from them for weeks at a time, and when I do we won’t discuss anything about what has happened in the past. It’s utterly frustrating, because as hard as I may try to get over it, just enough time passes before I get a phone call that all but screams at me: “I want to be with you.” I work so hard on not having feelings for them, and I think that this time I may even begin to get over them, and then these conversations come up that leave me reeling and make me want to do anything in my power to be with them.
Most people I’ve spoken to about it say that I should just cut this person out of my life, so that I may move on without the fear of having this hope being planted in my head any more. The fact of the matter is: This person means more than just a relationship. This person has, over the last couple of years that we’ve known each other, become one of my closest friends; and even if we don’t speak as often as we used to, they still mean the world to me. It doesn’t matter how much time passes in between our conversations, I still feel as though I could go to them if I had an issue, and we would be able to talk things out just like we used to. And I don’t want to lose that. I don’t want to lose that friendship that we had; I don’t want to lose this person.
I’ve rambled so much today it’s ridiculous, but I can honestly say that I feel at least a tiny bit better than I did before I started typing, which is my intent. I’m going to have to start trying to update this more often, not that anyone actually reads these.. it’s more for my own benefit, I think. Regardless, I’ll try to post more often.. it’s self-therapy more than anything.
Until next time..